Chapter 4 – Vibrators, Google and Algorithms

Notes from me…, ever felt like your phone or computer is watching you? Cat certainly does and ponders the mystery of algorithms! As none of men she’d messaged were currently online, and Cat was still refusing to work, her attention switched to a little Amazon Prime time. Feeling proud of herself for having made a few bold first moves, Cat wanted to treat herself to something sexy and new—should any of those first moves come to fruition and lead to a second. Typing the word ‘underwear’ into the search bar was all it took for the google analytics to kick in. There were various popups and ads: lots of images of lacy knickers, worn over impossibly perfect, tight buttocks… yet, one ad stood out above all the others. ‘***A D U L T T O Y S***’ How had a simple search for garments caused her computer to think she was in need of some battery powered pleasure? Or had her earlier excursion into online dating alerted the algorithms to the possibility that she could be a lonely lady in need of some self-loving. She pictured a super trendy office, complete with bold, brightly coloured desk chairs, positioned by ridiculous looking desks that couldn’t possibly be practical in any way. The kind of place where each corner housed an expensive coffee machine—a place where uber geeks could opt to take lessons in baristery and sushi cooking during their extended lunch breaks… and of course, a long slide where a staircase really ought to be. She imagined these man-children sat at their splat-shaped desks, solving complicated equations… search for underwear + online dating = good time gal, needs orgasms To their credit, and as much as she hated to admit it, on this occasion they might be right. Maybe, just out of curiosity, albeit prompted by her rebellious mood, Cat clicked on the ad. A beautifully naughty feeling tickled her senses as she scanned the pages and pages of pleasure toys. Crikey, things had come a long way since her last secret perusal of the back room of an Ann Summers. The list was endless. Pink, green, smooth and real-feel imitations of an erect cock… one with a suction cup! Cat wasn’t really sure how a suction cup was meant to assist in the art of self-pleasure; for one thing, what were you supposed to stick it to? She made a mental note to, at some point, look up ‘suction-cupped cock’ on Youtube. Considering it was autumn and the nights were drawing in, perhaps she could do something to pass the time; something other than Netflix and reality TV. And let’s be honest, she thought, so far, the prospect of meeting someone new isn’t looking great—her phone wasn’t exactly beeping frantically with invitations from prospective hot dates… Cat scrolled through pages of rabbits, dolphins, double-headed-purple-penetration things with animal shaped doodahs for clitoral stimulation. She wondered if there was a rhino. Bloody hell this one lit up like a Christmas tree—it’d be like having a disco in her pants! She chuckled at the thought. The options were overwhelming. So, naturally, she turned to the customer reviews. Twenty minutes later Cat had a new insight into the modern trends of vibrators. Apparently, what you needed was a such’n’such made from something-or-other because it’s better for you and better for the environment. While this seemed perfectly logical to Cat, she was fairly certain that ladies had been sticking all kinds of obscure objects up themselves for centuries. Besides, if she wanted a product solely for its global impact she’d probably consider a piece or organic veg from the farmers’ market… But then she’d never seen a cucumber light up and pulsate like a Black n Decker power-drill. Considering all the variables, giving it some careful thought, she really felt she needed something with buttons and batteries. It felt… naughtier, somehow; more dangerous; more adventurous. All the ‘research’ had Cat now desperately desiring one of these wondrous, empowering wands of pleasure, eventually settling on something a little less ‘party’ and a little more elegant and sophisticated. It had ten speeds; rotating head; pulse function… it was waterproof too! And the bonus feature: it didn’t even need batteries. You simply plug this slender beauty in. At both ends she sniggered to herself. Decision made. She threw the “10-inch joy bundle” into her virtual basket. There was a momentary, fleeting pang of sadness on noticing her ex was still the default account holder on the payments page. But a quick reality check had Cat deleting his details, selecting her own and hitting CONFIRM. It was edging on 8pm when a rather cheerful Cat finally left the office. She had a new, exciting delivery to look forward to now, and to top it off, had successfully managed to avoid Tony and any awkward conversations. The day had ended on a pulsating high. If you would like to catch up with Cat and join the adventures as she bumbles her way through single life, then here’s the story so far… Adventures with Cat

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