Chapter 2 – Cock Shots and Whipped Cream

Chapter 2 –

Being single and over 37 doesn’t make you desperate. She had no intention of attempting to seduce her exceptionally hot friend; she just didn’t want things to change. And now they had. And now beers were off the cards and quite possibly coffee too. How could she meet him again knowing that his opinion of her was so shallow? Well bollocks to Tony and in absolute defiance she wasn’t even going to do the bloody franking today… or tomorrow or maybe ever again… ha!

Reaching for her phone with the intention of an eBay bargain, Cat noticed her Dating App flashing, 37 new messages. Feeling like she could do with an ego boost she hit the thumbnail and scanned the app.

Profile – SebR01 – 33 (cute but too young)

  • Message – Hi

Profile – Vic_WKD – 41 (not so cute)

  • Message – Hi

Profile – Cocks&Shocks – 38 (oh here we go)

  • u look hot, do u wona skype (not a bloody chance, especially you can’t even be bothered to spell entire words)

Profile – Trevor_TM – 38 (not bad)

  • Hope you don’t mind me saying hi, just read your profile and thought it might be nice to chat? (hmmm, better, but not outstanding)

This had Cat was wondering about the etiquette of messaging, was it polite to say ‘Hi, thanks for contacting me’ or would that just encourage more of the same non-inspirational messages. ‘Thanks for contacting me’ was a bloody lame response anyway and far to impersonal. When replying one must remember to be at least be a little witty.

Profile Continued  – Trevor_TM – 38, 6ft2 and he was a roofer. Great! Her roof had been leaking for ages, if they did have a date maybe she could get a quote, or maybe it was best not to use dating apps as Check a Trade? She read his Bio – Cheeky Chap, who’s good fun and genuine. Looking for a lovely lady for drinks or dinner and see what happens.

‘Hi Trevor, thanks for the message, how’s your evening? – Send. It was a half arsed naff reply, but she wasn’t in the mood for witty, thanks to Tonys earlier comments. She was still playing the disastrous coffee encounter over in her head… Dick!

Profile – JoJo123 – 35

  • Hi @17.54
  • Hi @18:12
  • Hi, you look stunning, fancy a talk @18:36

The app Cat used came with a feature notifying you if prospect is currently online, now this can be as helpful as it is frustrating.

Online Now – @18:42

  • Hi, I see ur online now, your photo makes me really horny. I’m sitting here with my big hard cock in my hands. Do you want to see? (no I bloody don’t thanks)

Image received, Cat knew she shouldn’t look at the picture just sent to her phone but couldn’t resist. Her need for amusement was currently smothering the common-sense angel perched on her shoulder shouting … ‘Delete Delete!’ Hitting the image, she laughed loud, one not so very big winking willy was staring her in the face.

‘No thanks, I have better things to do than sit here looking at your tiny todger, luckily the zoom feature on my phone helped to confirm it is willy in your hands and not just a shrivelled pepperoni!’ – Send.

Profile – Insomnia77! – 37 (finally, a friendly face, they had been chatting for a few months and he was slowly becoming a regular feature in her otherwise dull evening entertainment)

  • How’s the fishing going, any more gimps?

Sat in her office chair Cat chuckled at the memory from last weeks photo of a guy in full on Gimp gear, followed by the comment ‘Can I Giz on your tits’.

Conversations with Insomnia77 were always amusing, he was open, honest, witty and obviously very intelligent. The profile images didn’t disappoint and completely reflected his cheeky personality. His pleasing appearance was brilliantly natural, rugged, stubbly, lean with solid shoulders. He absolutely wasn’t her usual type but there was a cuteness to his smile that would capture any lady’s attention. On reflection, it was his profile she found most attractive, an amusing read, full of anecdotes and references to his career as a spy. They flirted for a while online but the distances between them meant it was a match unlikely to ever happen. So they stayed in touch exchanging horror stories of the wired and wonderful world of online dating.

‘Unfortunately not, no gimps, just sorry looking cock shots, any more dates that bring their Nans along? If not, let me know and I’m sure I can grab a granny for the weekend. LOL [cheeky wink emoji]’

Feeling the need for a second message Cat tuped “Anyway why do some guys insist on sending you photos of their dicks before they’ve even asked you your name , I just don’t get it?”

  • Don’t ask me [confused emoji] I think it’s only common curiosity to wait till at least message 5 before you send a picture of your cock lol!!!

Teasing, “How come I didn’t get one?” [sad emoji]

The next message was an image, shit! Cat actually did not want a cock shot from Insomnia, she loved that their banter hadn’t resulted in seedy sex shots. He was a welcome relief from the constant flood of uninvited naked body parts that clogged up her phone. Crap! and it was her fault, she had just opened the doorway for a developing friendship to turn its nasty head (literally) in to something more sordid. A very disappointed Cat reluctantly opened the message…

And there is was, a great big, plump, fat, feathered Cock, standing proud in a farmyard. It was enough to make her sigh and laugh with genuine relief. But the suggestion had her brain ticking and for a fleeting moment Cat couldn’t help but wonder what his cock would actually be like. Then just as quickly she pushed the idea out of her naughty little mind, knowing all too well that somethings are best saved for the bedroom.  

“hahahaha… brilliant, what a perfect specimen you have”

  • Why thanks, truth is not sure why blokes do it, but girls do too you know. You should see some of the armature porn picture I get sent

“er, no thanks!”

  • One chick sent a full on whipped cream photo the other day

“Fuck Off, really, what did you say?”

  • What’s your address and I’ll call an Uber, ha!

“Shut up, did you go?”

  • Actually no, but I am meeting her next week…lol

“Seriously you’re a slut and this is why so many of us good girls are single, we have to bloody compete with fecking whipped cream cam girls”

  • I’ve been chatting to her for ages, but did make me wonder if this was one of those back up picture people store up on their phones just to temp shallow guys like me. Like how many people have a home photoshoot just to whip out a sexy shot when they need it?

“Suppose you never truly know what’s real and what’s staged, sometimes it’s obvious like when a guy says he’s at the gym or something, then sends you a couple of pictures only each photo he’s wearing a different set of gym gear. You know in reality he’s probably at home watching Netflix in 3 day old pants… hahaha

  • I’d just send a pic of me in my 3 day old pants TBH!

“God I’m not sure what’s worse, cock shots, staged photos or you in 3 day old pants”

Second message “When you meeting this girl”

  • Not sure yet, need to check out the rehearsal schedule when I get into town.

“Don’t you ever get bored with all the travel,

  • It was good to have the opportunity to get away, but yeah, one day I’ll find myself a nice girl like you. Until then I’ll settle for whipped cream, and hotel romps. Men get lonely on the road [Sad emoji]

“lol… shut up you love it”

  • Hahaha, yeah sometimes it’s great and I love the work, but sooner or later one hotel room just blurs into another.

Insomnia appeared to want a change of subject and Cat was left wondering if maybe there was some truth to his jokes of loneliness.

  • How’s the real world treating you?

“Actually had a run in with my boss, well he’s my friend but also my boss, or was a friend should I say! [Cross Emoji] – Send

  • Shit what happened, did he finally get pissed off at you constantly using work time to hit on poor unsuspecting men?

“Ha… I wish!, not really sure what happened. Been mates for years but since I’ve been single he’s acting really weird. Like he thinks I’m gonna hit on him or something. I just don’t get it!

  • Do you want to hit on him? [that really dirty tongue out emoji]

“Actually no, well I don’t think so. Just pissed off that he thinks so, God he’s full of himself!

  • Lol… you like him …. Why are you messing about online if you got a hottie in real life to play with?

“I never said he was Hot”

  • Hahaha, bet he’s HOT, is he hot?

“No, well yes, but he’s a mate and a dick, did I mentions he’s married, so not available!”

  • Oh… Fuck, that’s got heartbreak written all over it. Prob best to avoid?

“Tell me about it and think your right!

  • Oh well, back to playing Tinder snap it is… lol

“Yep, catch ya later xx”

Affairs were a sensitive topic for Insomnia, his marriage was destroyed by the ex wife’s work fling, a romance  that developed while he was touring. Insomnia had caught an early flight home with the hopes of surprising her, only to be confronted by a strange man’s car in his drive. He didn’t catch them in the act as such, but the cheating duo were scantily dressed and clearly recovering from a fuckfest when he walked in.

The messages were still flooding in as they always do when guys see you’re online, but for the most part it was only ‘Hi’ or ‘do you want to snapchat’ and the profiles were just as dull. Cat loved to read an original story from someone who put some effort into their online fishing.

The perfect opener was a fun witty message, nothing crude or presumptuous, backed up by a decent intelligent profile, that was more likely to catch her attention than a reasonable photo and an effortless mundane ‘Hi’.

Cat continued with the swiping frenzy, left for “no way never”, Right “for has potential”  

Fed up with the repetitive tedium of boring messages and feeling a little brave or maybe just still pissed off, Cat made the bold decision to text a few interesting chaps first. Actual work was out of the window for the rest of her shift due to her manger being nothing short of an arse. Next time they go for coffee she is getting an extra-large moca-capa-chocolate-deluxe thingy with cream and caramel and bloody sprinkles as it’s his turn to pay.

It was time to turn on the radio, her current mood couldn’t handle the heartbreak hits spewed out on so many stations, so Kisstory was the way forward. Google Search – Kiss – and Play, had Cat tapping the desk to Garage Girl and forgetting she was supposed to be doing things far less interesting.

If you would like to catch up with the full story of Cat and her dating disasters here’s your chance –

Adventures with Cat

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